


Alone (eng)

by BeatrixVakarian



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Feelings, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Reflection, So much angst, Thor (Marvel)-centric, Translation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-12 20:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16002752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeatrixVakarian/pseuds/BeatrixVakarian
Summary: After the battle of Wakanda against Thanos, Thor is alone with his pain.





	Alone (eng)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Alone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14505600) by [BeatrixVakarian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeatrixVakarian/pseuds/BeatrixVakarian). 



> Implied but not descripted Thorki. This is the result of my pit of despair and a translation in english of my previous work in italian, posted a couple of months ago.

Of the large window that formed one of the four walls of that room, only a little more than half of the glass panels retained its integrity, but Thor did not care.

With the sunset the silence had fallen and, after that day humanly devastating under any point of view, he had decided to settle in that wing of the building that - although it had suffered serious damage - represented exactly what he needed: silence, being alone and possibly not existing.

The survivors of that war had withdrawn, in fact, in what was left of the building - now under the temporary Okoye’s command: they were all too shocked to even think about sitting around a table and trying to take stock of a surreal situation.

So, he had decided to move away from the others, at least for that evening. Rocket had pitted a couple of information on what had happened since they had fished him unconscious out in space, to respond to the wounded and questioning glances of his comrades - when at their questions he had glared at them with a glance of ice and had closed the door behind him.

And now he was there, leaning against the headboard of the bed with his legs apart, a bottle in his hand of he did not know what, but which - of course - would not have calmed his mind, now that everything was silent and only the wind he signaled his presence.

But Thor, you know, had never been a farsighted guy. And even if he knew that, from the moment he would find himself alone, seated and in silence, the spiral of remorse and regret would set in motion, he conscientiously accepted it, hoping to touch the bottom as soon as possible and, therefore, get up even faster.

However, to touch the bottom of that hell, now that the adrenaline had subsided, it meant to relive those scenes cyclically until his body raised a white flag, exhausted. Which, for an Asgardian warrior with that temperament and trained to never give up, could be a problem.

Actually, he could not understand how he was still rationalizing the events of that short period - he did not even know how much had passed since the whole Hela thing had started, because between the time spent on Sakaar and the next one on the ship, his perception was gone completely out of phase.

And for a millennial being like him, that period was nothing but a blink of an eye. Of things, Thor, he had already seen, but this was the first time in his life that he found himself completely alone. And inevitably, his thoughts went to those words.

_I'm here._

Without looking up from the fixed point outside the window, he instinctively brought the bottle to his lips. At each sip, as it was emptied, it felt a deathly grip on his heart. At each sip hovered the awareness that, for once, things could have gone the right way - although he was in a situation of complete emergency with all his people.

Except that…

Except, Loki, held that damned Infinity Stone, hidden in one of his magical pockets, hidden from anyone's sight. Except, by now, their path had crossed with the Titan and, although Thor was not aware of all that business, he had found himself in the middle and with him, all the occupants of that ship.

 

He squeezed the bottle in his fist. If he had known, he would have tried to destroy the Tesseract by hammering, even if impossible, as Odin had pointed out in front of Aether. But surrendering was not in his nature - he had always said and pointed.

If he had known, he would have prevented Loki from returning to that damn room, deep down in Asgard to free the Eternal Flame - he would have come up with something else to keep Hela down.

He had not thought about it. Or did not want to think about it, the situation was so critical that, if it had not been for Odin's vision, they would hardly have come out alive.

He should have known, if Loki found himself in front of the unattended Tesseract, he would take it with him. Perhaps he had deliberately ignored this detail, because things were going well and they had to go on like this - too many things had to be dealt with and resolved from the moment they all became refugees and one would try to reach Midgard.

If only he had put Loki in question again.

 

In a flicker of rage, with a dry gesture, he threw the bottle towards the wall, centring one of the still unbroken glasses: the chilling noise echoed for endless seconds, together with a grunt of frustration. And at that moment those gruesome images came to light.

With each flash his breath grew. At each image, the breath died in his throat and soon found himself breathless, with knees to his chest and forehead on them.

Thor did not understand.

He tried to go further, to remember the words of his brother while he was carrying out his death sentence and he still did not understand. He saw himself blocked by Thanos’ hand and then surrounded by metal, his lips sealed, his eyes fixed on Loki as he handed the Tesseract first, then tried to stab the Mad Titan through the throat.

Why?

And those words ... Loki had a long speech, looking at him several times. And in those shining eyes, veiled with tears, he was lost, as he was lost on that "Son of Odin" pronounced shortly before. Although he had nothing to cover his mouth, Thor was so terrified by the events that ran in front of him that he probably would not have asked questions anyway.

Loki wanted to tell him something. But Thor could not understand why he had concealed the Tesseract, even after their apparent reconciliation. Why keep it hidden? Or why not use it - or find a way to use it - if not to save the Asgardian people adrift, to save their lives?

 

His chest was shaken by a jolt.

If Loki had confessed everything to him, he would have told him the whole story, perhaps ... Perhaps he would be there with him now. Perhaps they could use the Tesseract to reach Midgard, join the others, gain time and proceed with the destruction of the Mind Stone, extracting it from Vision with the necessary calm. And ward Thanos from getting his hands on the Time Stone.

Fight it. And maybe win.

If Loki had confessed, Heimdall could still be alive, he could keep Thanos under control, he could follow his movements - which would have been slower.  
If Loki had confessed to having the Tesseract, perhaps he would not be alone now in a half-destroyed room in Wakanda. He would have his brother by his side, to rationalize the situation better than him, to suggest a scheme. To find a plan B, because Loki always had a plan B.

At his side. Together.

 

And at that moment, Thor knew he could not stop his tears.

Perhaps Loki would have dissolved as many had done, by the time Thanos had snapped his fingers, like windblown dust. Frankly, in his heart, he knew that those gruesome images would never leave his eyes.

Perhaps it would have been better if Loki, by math, had dissolved like that. They would fight together, at least. He would not suffer. In front of those last words of his, pronounced with difficulty, with the grasp on his neck of that huge hand, Thor was defeated. Broken.

And despite the anger, the confusion, the pain had been such as not to allow him anything else but to pick up the lifeless body of his brother, weeping tears of despair, hold him in his arms and agree to die with him, on that ship now in pieces.

 

"... Why?" He hissed in sobs, the air burning in his lungs.

Why he had to see that scene for the third time? Why did he have to cry his brother's death for the third time? Why did this seem so final?

And his thoughts went back in time, to moments before what was to be his coronation. Before everything fell apart, before Loki discovered his heritage.

Sometimes I can be envious, but never doubt that I love you.

At those words, he followed that sweet gesture - at the base of the neck - between his fingers the feeling of those soft black curls - that since they were children Thor had reserved for his little brother, to comfort him. A reassuring fraternal gesture.

 

His fingers dug into his forearms, leaving furrows free of pain.

_I never wanted the throne. I just wanted to be your equal._  
_It's too late ... It's too late to stop it._

If only he had looked beyond the inconceivable behavior of Loki, at the time of New York. If only he had not brought him back to Asgard in chains, submitting it to the judgment of Odin and then lock him up in the dungeons.

If only he had insisted on the right value. On what he remembered to be Loki before the matter of Jotunheim, his brother, with a so problematic character, but the person with whom he had shared his fifteen hundred years of life.

If only he had insisted in that reassuring gesture, if only he had repeated it, fighting against the stubbornness of both - so different in depth, but so damn stubborn to admit the feeling that has always bound them, inextricably.

And understanding what Loki had hidden within himself, how many dynamics he found himself involved in his mistakes, his despair in realizing that his whole life had been a lie, understanding that jump from Bifrost, understanding how lonely he must have felt his brother forever, how blind he had been himself and how cruel his death had been - Thor cried tears of despair.

He cried tears bitter for hours, as he had never done, basking in those two words that, despite the games of looks and jokes, had filled his heart with joy.

_I'm here._

 

But Loki was no longer here.  
Loki had died on that ship.

And Thor with him.


End file.
